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So you want to keep your lover or your employee close. Bound to you, even. You have a few options. You could be the best lover they've ever had, kind, charming, thoughtful, competent, witty, and a tiger in bed. You could be the best workplace they've ever had, with challenging work, rewards for talent, initiative, and professional development, an excellent work/life balance, and good pay. But both of those options demand a lot from you. Besides, your lover (or employee) will stay only as long as she wants to under those systems, and you want to keep her even when she doesn't want to stay. How do you pin her to your side, irrevocably, permanently, and perfectly legally?


You create a sick system.Collapse )

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( 315 comments — Leave a comment )
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darksumomo
Jun. 24th, 2010 04:07 am (UTC)
A diarist on Daily Kos used your post as inspiration for a synthesis about values.

How Conservative Values Create Sick Systems

The other source being synthesized is this one.

Why Being Liberal Really Is Better Than Being Conservative

Both of those are worth reading.
teensy80
Jun. 25th, 2010 04:07 pm (UTC)
This describes the relationships that both my current SO and I had been in up into the point of each other. That we keep trying to figure out how to do things NOT THAT WAY is a testament to our strength. Thank you for posting this so others can get out of similar situations!

Edited at 2010-06-25 04:07 pm (UTC)
rinkori
Jun. 25th, 2010 10:05 pm (UTC)
This is EXACTLY what I walked away from over a year ago, and I am still draining the poison. Thank you for reminding me that I am not crazy and there is nothing wrong with me. Thank you for reminding me that I got out for a reason.
mojave_wolf
Jun. 26th, 2010 12:06 am (UTC)
Hey, just found this *very* late via solarbird.

Until I got to the *very* end, where you described a couple of "outs" that didn't really fit, I thought you were using abusive relationships/bad workplaces as a metaphor for the economic system in modern day America (and, well, most of the modern world, period).

Was that actually the main point of the post or was I reading stuff into it?
issendai
Jun. 26th, 2010 02:21 am (UTC)
*grin* Several people have made that connection, but no, that wasn't my point. I was thinking of relationship and work situations I've been in or witnessed. It's an interesting metaphor, but since it applies to all economic systems from agriculture on up (and hunter-gatherers under any conditions of scarcity), I'm not certain what the "out" would be.
(no subject) - xplo_eristotle - Sep. 15th, 2012 06:27 am (UTC) - Expand
ext_237947
Jun. 27th, 2010 04:42 pm (UTC)
Been there...
Was caught in soul sucking job. Sounds so familiar :/
I gave them the 'got a scholarship' while in reality I had found another job.
yilliot
Jun. 28th, 2010 01:38 am (UTC)
in my opinion
I guess the companies who apply the rules will left no talented person only... those who only know to work but no much idea in mind.
amielou31
Jun. 28th, 2010 03:49 pm (UTC)
I just quit teaching after 16 years.

You have completely and accurately described the American K-12 school system as it treats teachers.
trishalynn
Jul. 1st, 2010 10:27 pm (UTC)
Is there a way I can get (or make) a copy of this without all the relationship stuff? I'd like to share this with someone who may or may not be my boss.
modillian
Jul. 2nd, 2010 01:01 am (UTC)
Um. Thank you for writing this. I sort of had an epiphany since you listed tons of the reasons why my high school experience was so fucked up, or at least, all the reasons I stayed with it until the end and why when I came out of it I was in such a vacuum of not-stress that I had an identity crisis.

I've been reading some ex-quiverfull blogs and these also seem to be a lot of the tactics used to keep women in line with the lifestyle.
cameoflage
Nov. 4th, 2010 01:53 pm (UTC)
Your icon is really cool-looking. Is it from anything?
(no subject) - modillian - Nov. 4th, 2010 10:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
blue_eyed_1987
Jul. 5th, 2010 08:48 am (UTC)
This is exactly what my home life is like. This is how my stepdad operates. It's...horrible. But thank you, for writing this. For making me truly realise that what was going on is abusive, and that I wasn't over-reacting.

BTW, your background is broken for me-it's saying that the photo-bucket bandwidth has been exceeded.
ardent_firesong
Jul. 5th, 2010 08:56 pm (UTC)
I have something to add
A friend of mine recently got me thinking about buttons.

Buttons are wonderful tools for the abuser to utilize, particularly in romantic relationships.

The abuser, being the victim’s romantic interest, is closer to the victim than anyone else. So when they learn what buttons to press, chances are they are the only person who knows that those buttons even exist, much less how to press them.

The abuser uses these buttons to affect the mental and emotional state of their victim. This use of buttons is especially powerful when the buttons are pressed in public. The abuser can be pushing his or her victim’s buttons, thus triggering stress, anger, sadness, fear, or a whole list of other emotions.

But as the abuser is the only one who knows of these buttons, the people around the victim, especially their friends and family, don’t understand why the victim is freaking out. They see someone trying to start drama for the sake of starting drama, or someone who is just too over-stressed by this phenomenon we know as life, or someone who is just downright crazy. The observers dismiss these emotions and reactions as not being legitimate because there doesn’t seem to be any logical explanation behind them. Meanwhile the victim begins to question their own sanity, or wonder what could possibly be wrong with them for feeling negative emotions toward someone who everyone else seems to think is such a catch.

The observers only see the dashing, charming side of the abuser. They don’t see or understand (if they do see) the button pushing and then subsequent reactions. As a result, whereas the abuser comes across as charming, the victim comes across as crazy.

This button-pressing method allows the abuser to manipulate the victim into a state of constant stress, anger, fear, sorrow, worry, et cetera. It ties in with “Keep them tired”. If the victim’s emotions are rubbed completely raw by button pressing, and if they continuously question their own sanity in response to the button pressing, they will be too tired and too distracted to realize what’s going on and that what’s going on is not right.
emberleo
Jul. 24th, 2010 04:27 am (UTC)
Re: I have something to add
Wow, that's really clearly put - it's something I've known about for years, and we even talk about buttons all the darned time, but somehow the way you just describe it here really clarifies some things.

Thank you!

--Ember--
Re: I have something to add - ardent_firesong - Jul. 24th, 2010 12:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
ladybrigid
Jul. 12th, 2010 04:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
bramblekite
Jul. 30th, 2010 09:56 pm (UTC)
What I guess a lot of people don't 'get' about all this is that these techniques may be used by organized religions, cults, or evil employers in a systematic, deliberate manner, but when it's a one-on-one abuse situation, the abuser is (in my experience) not that calculating, organized, systematic, or deliberate. They usually have no idea that they are becoming more chaotic, abusive, and insane as time goes on, that their narcissistic demands are growing more difficult and childish by the day, that they are creating ever more, deeper, and worse drama as time goes on... They really don't have much of a clue as to how manipulative and awful they are. All they know is that they are in pain, they are unhappy, they need *something* and they aren't getting it. And it's all [victim or victims'] fault.

It just so happens that these techniques end up being the most 'tried and true' for getting what you want from your victims. And, generally, the more they love you and the more empathetic they are, the better these techniques work. Because they hate to see you suffering and in pain, so they will do whatever it takes to make you happy. And the more sleep-deprived, upset, confused, and malnourished (endless office cups of coffee & donuts at work, nothing but ramen at home, etc.) they are, the easier it is to get them to do whatever you tell them to do.

Edited at 2010-07-30 11:59 pm (UTC)
natf
Oct. 8th, 2010 01:57 am (UTC)
Oh yes (1st paragraph). This. I doubt that mum will ever realise why my brother and I have drawn away from her over the last few years.
(no subject) - griffen - Dec. 29th, 2011 03:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - bramblekite - Dec. 29th, 2011 05:35 pm (UTC) - Expand
fangirlyness
Aug. 3rd, 2010 01:22 am (UTC)
Thank you for posting this.
scyllacat
Aug. 3rd, 2010 02:00 pm (UTC)
Just wow
And I'm putting this in my Google reader/facebook ... Even the comments are terrific.

... and wouldn't it be nice if I could send this to those asshole exes (boyfriends and bosses)....
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( 315 comments — Leave a comment )

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