November 13th, 2005

satyr, drool you bastards, bosom

On the Dungeons & Dragons movie

Satan's donkey called. He wants his balls back.

I watched this old stinker in the hopes that the last five years would have given it some nostalgic charm. The only thing they gave me was a new way to describe the movie: The acting was so bad that you'd think George Lucas was the director.

Sparkly electric-blue lipstick is still a bad fashion choice for manly men. Nipple-and-navel armor is still a bad choice for elves. "Let's run about at random and pick up shit" is still a bad choice of plot for... anything. Gangsta wanna-bes still don't fit into a D&D setting; it's still not clear why there are black-but-not-Drow D&D elves and old, fat white D&D elves; and "more annoying than Jar-Jar Binks" is still not a Dwarven character concept.

And the movie completely fails to hold together politically. How, exactly, is the ruling class of mages oppressing the lower class of non-magic-users? It looked like Fantasy Modern Setting #2, subtype A to me--vaguely medieval with extra dirt. Were the lower classes being oppressed through withholding of soap? And how is the Empress supposed to force an organized group of people who have PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER to play nice with the peasants who have nothing but itty-bitty living space? Her own power involves calling up an army of the world's least effectual gold dragons, which is all very nice if your opponents hole up in a wee tower, but doesn't do a damned thing if they're sensible and scatter to their country manors. (Call the dragons down on every manor, and soon you'll be out of peasants to de-oppress.)

One star. I'd give it a half-star, but it was shorter than Star Wars I. And hey, it's not every day that you get to see a movie that sucks this phenomenally, horribly badly.