October 1st, 2005

satyr, drool you bastards, bosom

I may be missing the wonder of The Lion King

So there's this huge plain in like Africa, right? And this big outcropping of rock where like a lion and his only wife and their only son are hanging out, right? And it's kind of sad that he's got only one wife and she had only one cub, meaning that she's an outcast and kind of, like, reproductively challenged, but at least they've got this bitchin' territory that's like COVERED with animals. I mean, it's like swarming with them, there's no getting out of the way, elephants are stepping on zebras and things, it's insane.

And this baboon like walks up to the lion pride and is all, "Yo, can I check out the kid?" and the lions are all "Sure!" and so he does--just moseys on up there and gives the kid a "Hey, little dude, how they hangin'?"

And then the lion bites him in half. Because hey, what would you do if a cupcake with frosting and sprinkles ambled on by you?

Four years later, the lion was challenged by another lion and got the stuffing beat out of him. He ran off to die in the bush, his ex-wife was all, "Hey, victor baby, think you can pack more than one bullet in your pistol?", and the kid fled into the wilderness to hide for a couple of years until he was strong enough to kill someone else's dad and get a pride of his own. Except that he was totally weak from having only one mother to hunt for him and protect him from random lions, and besides, Dad was starting to beat up on him, too. So he got kicked in the head by an antelope and died.

THE END