September 12th, 2005

Kuja, Butt

Inuyasha: The Second Movie

I will not watch anime movies expecting a worthwhile addition to the series.
I will not watch anime movies expecting a worthwhile addition to the series.
I will not watch anime movies expecting a worthwhile addition to the series.
I will not watch anime movies expecting a worthwhile addition to the series.
I will not watch anime movies expecting a worthwhile addition to the series.
I will not watch anime movies expecting a worthwhile addition to the series.
I will not watch anime movies expecting a worthwhile addition to the series.
I will not watch anime movies expecting a worthwhile addition to the series.
I will not watch anime movies expecting a worthwhile addition to the series.
I will not watch anime movies expecting a worthwhile addition to the series.
I will not watch anime movies expecting a worthwhile addition to the series.

...The second Inuyasha movie contains all the plot and character interaction of a single half-hour show, spread out over three times the length, and with all the character development surgically removed. You can watch the whole show in about ten minutes if you know where to fast-forward to:

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And that's it! The rest of the movie is just filler. Two Creep Sisters wander Japan grabbing cool shit and chucking it in lakes, which releases a random anime babe with blue lips. Cyanosia kidnaps Kagome, as per contract. There are many, many boring battles. Cyanosia introduces Inuyasha to purple blusher. Kagome convinces Inuyasha that he doesn't have a future as a Goth drag queen. There are more boring battles. Something random happens to Cyanosia, I'm not sure what--I was watching the movie at 8X speed by this point. In any case, crap happens and she's not there any more. Yay. Everyone wanders off, the stage set back to normal so that they can wake up tomorrow morning and step right back into the anime.

Oh, and you shouldn't watch the movie if spiders freak you out.

Although if spiders freak you out, you might find that the film acquires a certain depth and ability to move. The rest of us? We're stuck looping the two-second shakeoff scene.
satyr, drool you bastards, bosom

Maybe it's not just a smokescreen

This weekend, a couple of friends and I visited a shop that sold ladies' personal massage devices. We amused the shopchick, who joined us to discuss the merits and drawbacks of the various ladies' massage devices on display, and who told me something that broke my world.

We all know that ladies' personal massage devices are traditionally packaged and sold as, well, personal massage devices. They have warnings not to use them on your calves, and attachments that make no sense to anyone outside a small slice of the S&M community unless you're serious about using them for massages. Which no one does, because everyone knows what ladies' massage devices are really for. I was examining one of the heavy-duty massage devices--the huge ones that plug in and look like they're going to backfire in the middle of the night and wake all the neighbors. "You know," the shopchick said, "those are really good on your back."

Do what?

So I tried it.

Jesus fuck, it's like sex for your back. After about 30 seconds with the Accuvibe Wand, I was ready to marry it. Those chronic lower back problems I've had for ten years? Gone. All the pain from walking around all day? Gone. Who knew you could use a ladies' massage device for, well, massage?