August 29th, 2005

Kuja, Butt

(no subject)

Dear Editor of an Edgy Yet Glossy Subcultural Magazine,

I see from the absence of a copyeditor credit that you have replaced your copyeditor by sticking a red pencil up your ass and doing a hooch dance over the article manuscripts. That little jiggle-swirl you so enjoy doing makes a mark that looks suspiciously like "remove this comma." Perhaps you could learn a couple of new steps? We are getting tired of reading commaless articles.

Also, you might want to work on preserving authorial voice. The only voice you succeeded in preserving was the article that read like it was written by a Japanese eight-year-old on tranquilizers. You know, the article you pulled straight off the Web. The rest of the magazine reads like... well, like you, sir or madam of the red pencil hoochie.

You do know what they say in publishing about those who can't do... don't you?

With limited love but boundless sincerity,

satyr, drool you bastards, bosom

Thoughts upon watching The Village

Man: Let us act woodenly.

Woman: Yes! Let us all act woodenly.

Man2: Let us speak in a vaguely Colonial manner, such that those who listen may say, "Egads! These people have never read real Colonial dialogue in their lives!"

Woman2: Yes! Let us speak like children in a grade-school Thanksgiving play.

Woman3: I wear gingham. I am subservient. That is because I am female. I am so good at being a prop carved out of balsa wood that you will not recognize me as Sigourney Weaver.

Man3: We value your fromer acting awards, for they give our village honor. Yet we shall forget that you ever earned them, for that is the past, and it lies in the Cities.

Man4: We shall be mysterious about the Cities now.

Man5: Oh, the mystery of the Cities.

Man6: And the Woods.

Man7: The Woods.

Man8: The Woods.

Woman4: Vea verily, dost thou think this mystery would be deeper and more resonant if we had not read the spoilers?

Man9: Yea, I think this plot could have been briefly spooky if we had not read the spoilers. For lo, reading the spoilers hath sucked all the life and interest out of it, and hath made watching the moving-picture-story as alluring as gumming cardboard.

Woman5: Let us not think upon such sad things. Let us watch Sigourney Weaver act.

Woman3: I wear gingham. I am subservient. Thanksgiving is a time for turkeys.

Woman5: ...Yea verily, let us turn away from this moving-picture-story and watch Zoolander instead.