August 22nd, 2005

satyr, drool you bastards, bosom

In which clothes shopping is both successful and fun

Lane Bryant has been out of black tank tops for two months now. They just don't exist. Even the web catalog is out of them, and not a store in Massachusetts expects to see anything like them for another nine months. The only tank top I like has Left. This. Reality.

...Which is why it was so surprising when I walked into Lane Bryant yesterday and there were two foot-high stacks of them.

In my size.

It's because of lagaz. Her Gothicness spreads a cheerful gray cloud over every store she walks into. Yuppie food stores suddenly carry black decorating sugar, Tibetan stores manifest whole lines of red-on-black silk brocade, Homegoods has a silver-and-gray comforter set that didn't exist a few minutes before. It shouldn't surprise me that Lane Bryant would produce two whole stacks of black shirts in her honor.

So I walked out of the store with the most clothes I've ever bought at one time. Six shirts, two pairs of jeans. (There was a sale, too.) Lagaz also pointed out a table of maroon and purple-and-black button-up shirts (IN MY SIZE) that probably weren't so comfy before she spotted them, and of course I had to get a couple of them. My sad, ragbag, too-tired-for-Goodwill autumn wardrobe is now pimpin', in a Gothy sort of way.

Lagaz herself saw several things she wanted, but couldn't find anything that fit her. Lane Bryant has a strange way of rewarding its muses.

Oh--the silver-and-gray comforter set at Homegoods? Looks stunning in Lagaz's room. Homegoods utterly Gothed itself out, then laid down on a black velvet cloth surrounded by candles and said, "Take me, you strangely compelling beauty!" She found so much fabulous stuff that I had to be her shopping Sherpa and bob in her wake with my arms full of bags. Her bedroom is going to look spectacular once she deploys the comforter set.

Advice for the fashion-conscious: The color of the season is TEAL. With hints of TURQUOISE. Or possibly TURQUOISE with hints of TEAL. You don't think you look good in turquoise or teal? SILENCE, FASHION SLAVE! HEED THE CAPS LOCK OF STYLE! You WILL wear TURQUOISE or TEAL, and you WILL think you look good in it. Resistance is futile. Prepare to be made fabulous, in a greeny-blue sort of way.