July 18th, 2005

satyr, drool you bastards, bosom

A missive from the Evil Overlady

Whereas we have picked up another recent children's book we have long wanted to read;

And whereas the authors turned out to be YET MORE BLOODY BRITS;

We hereby declare a national effort to produce half-decent children's fantasy novels.

The fight will be long and hard, but in the beginning, it will be fought by a small group. It will include all authors of a) soulful books about children with dying or dead relatives; b) soulful historical novels that are meant to Teach a Lesson About the Times and that are set in times and places where there have been 150 or more other novels set within the last 10 years; c) books whose sole point is to get, or not get, a nervous and slightly spastic teenaged girl a boyfriend; and d) all books about Barbie, the Bratz, and the Gossip Girls. These authors are hereby required to stop production of the above-mentioned books and turn their hands to writing fresh, witty children's fantasy and science fiction.

We understand that this will be onerous, but we take comfort in knowing that the effort is for the greater good, and also that we ourselves are not involved. We trust that the unaffected authors of America will feel the same.

The ban on soulful books about children with dying or dead relatives and soulful historical novels that are meant to Teach a Lesson About the Times and that are set in times and places where there have been 150 or more other novels set within the last 10 years will be lifted after American production of decent children's fantasy rises to equal British production levels.

The ban on horrible teen novels and books about Barbie, the Bratz, and the Gossip Girls will probably also be lifted, "probably" being defined in this context as "never, but we will say anything necessary to keep morale up long enough for these genres to die off the face of the earth."

We had also intended to commend Neil Gaiman for being American, but it turns out upon a brief Google search that he is ALSO A BRIT. Therefore, we merely wish to commend the British for doing a stunning job.

That is all.