June 26th, 2005

satyr, drool you bastards, bosom

An open letter to You-Know-Who-You-Are

Dear Sir:

Shaving your head and growing a goatee does not make you look like the essence of manly aggression. It makes you look like a thumb with a smutch on it.

Talking at length about how much of a dom you are (Or how much of a Dom You are) does not make your (Your) listeners think, "Wow, here's a man in touch with his desires. A man willing to walk the edge to get what he wants. A man so manly that he can dominate beautiful women with the power of his mind." It makes your listeners think, "Wow, you can't keep a woman unless you turn her into an emotional cripple first, can you?"

Incidentally, your extensive writings on S&M are an excellent way to teach newbies the difference between domming and turning a woman into an emotional cripple. Thank you for your contribution!

Once you have established that you are a bald, goateed Dom of Doms, your listeners will expect you to mention your fascination with darkness, blood, and weapons. Please disappoint them.

If you MUST keep up with their expectations, remember to tack a disclaimer onto the end to the effect that you would never actually act on your fascination. Go on at length about your rationale, and make sure it contradicts at least three points you made during your schpiele about BDSM. Drop in at least one comment about how you scare your current partner sometimes, then spend some more time rationalizing it away. Don't respond to anyone during the disclaimer, but also don't let them leave. This is a dialogue between you and your guilty soul, and all must hear it! Also--and more importantly--everyone is used to self-important assholes. If you are merely a self-important asshole, they'll feel guilty in disinviting you from the next get-together. They'll feel much less guilty if you're a boring self-important asshole.

Thank you, and enjoy your improved social life.