May 26th, 2005

satyr, drool you bastards, bosom

(no subject)

My credit card company has become my granny.

No, really.

About three times a month, it slips me a little something--$10 or $20--and gives me a nudge and a wink. Sure, it knows that my folks wouldn't approve, but that's what the free memberships are for: Cover. Once a month I sit down and place a few calls, patiently explain to a few people that I signed up because Grandma offered me $20 to do it, and nix out the memberships. Within a couple of weeks, Grandma has slipped me back onto the mailing lists and the same programs are offering me $10 or $20 on her behalf.

At first it was the same three programs over and over, but now I'm getting new ones. If I want to increase my profit margins, I'm gonna have to cancel the offers faster so they can get new checks out to me sooner.

It's nice to know that Grandma likes me so much. I don't know what I did to get in its good books, but amen for it. (Other people's grannies like me, too--I get about 20 offers a month to get new credit cards. Do you think they'd slip me cash, too?) I feel like I should be writing the credit card company thank-you letters telling it what I did with the free cash. "Dear Grandma C., Thank you very much for the $40. I spent it on a big sushi lunch, then went to this store called Grand Opening and--"

...Maybe not.
satyr, drool you bastards, bosom

But is it herbal?

Coreen Rogers sent me an email titled, "now I am a new man".

...Hot damn, those are good pills. Coreen, d'you need me to forward you some legal-advice spam to help you finish the process?

Inside is an ad for a Male Enhancement formula--the only one with a free DVD, quite a bonus--and this testimonial:
My girlfriend has been blown away by the gains I have achieved with your
Black Label Formula and the exercises. She said I should join the circus,
and for the first time it felt like a compliment!-Ben, New Zealand

New Zealand, no less. Is this a hint that it's best to use the Male Enhancement in wide open spaces?

The email also includes this lovely freeform prose poem:
But I must warn you that in case I find I can not support the weight of
your bodies I shall drop one or both of you into the sea
We are quite solid inside our bodies, and have no need to eat, any more
than does a potato, They looked grave at this prospect, but the biggest one
said: We would soon meet death from starvation if you left us here on the
island; so, as there is at least a chance of our being able to escape in
your company I, for one, am willing to risk being drowned
It is easier and quicker than being starved

Very Dada. I see Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz in an entirely new light. Also, New Zealand = potatoes, so the entire email refracts upon itself, like a collage built out of ASCII codes. If one reads it often enough, one may become enlightened.

Or butch. One or the other.

Or possibly hungry for potatoes.