April 11th, 2005

satyr, drool you bastards, bosom

My life plan

Phase 1: Watch lots of movies while dreaming about successful affiliate empire. Use movies to brainstorm site ideas. Realize that method is less than useful when the latest Exorcist movie produces the ideas "sand," "dust," and "blood"; switch to Stargate episodes instead.

Phase 2: Read lots of webmaster forum posts while dreaming of successful affiliate empire.

Phase 3: Successful affiliate empire that I coded and launched in my sleep becomes a blazing success. Repay all debts, stuff bank account so full that bank closes account because the money is using up too much bandwidthnot leaving enough room for all the other people's money; take excess cash home and bathe in it.

Phase 4: Quit job, take to hanging out in Cambridge coffee shops and sneering at squares, briefly relive adolescence. Recover. Move to Allston/Brighton coffee shops, spend all day tapping away importantly on sexy laptop. Develop large and exciting wardrobe of salwar kurtas. See India, Nepal, Bhutan, Florida. Have Lagaz design sleek, hip all-black outfits for friends so that they look like an entourage, pass under paparazzis' radar. Develop world's tiniest rappeling equipment so that cats can come along on mountaineering expeditions. Go on wild weekends in Boston, New York, San Francisco, Tokyo. Board plane at random for any place that looks interesting; realize that I never really knew where Mozambique was. Also, do lots of Playstation.

Phase 5: Self-important tapping on laptop results in caffeine-soaked manuscript about an 11-year-old spy/magician duo, complete with Whitman references. Loathe Whitman. Send manuscript off anyway.

Phase 6: Manuscript comes back soaked in red ink. Only part fully rejected is author bio; publishers request something more plausible. Send in J.K. Rowling's bio instead. Success!

Phase 7: Fans want to know where infant daughter is now. Reply that I ate her.

Phase 8: Inadvertently start mildly appalling new childfree-parent lifestyle. Movement is only mildly appalling because babies are so high-fat that no one can bring themselves to eat them. Write bestselling self-help book Your Inner Child vs. Your Outer Child: The Ultimate Smackdown.

Phase 9: Get pregnant by concubin, take it all back.

Phase 10: Give birth, take care of child for two months, consider reversing reversal.

Phase 11: Develop world's second tiniest rappeling gear so that baby can come along on mountaineering expeditions. Dress baby in tiny padded cat suit to relieve cats' jealousy. Tour world, avoiding countries that want to put cats, baby in quarantine for six months.

Phase 12: Finally rent villa in some random bit of Southern European countryside, install cats, baby, concubin, friends, settle into comfortable obscurity, take up archery, figure out what color puce really is. Attempt black magic. Attempt white magic. Learn to program Tivo, give up magic. Write more books about preadolescent spy/magician duo. When paparazzi show up, pretend to eat baby.

All in all, it's a happy plan. The only hitch is in getting to Phase 3.